Emotional Availability: What it is and How it Impacts Your Relationships

Emotional Availability: Its Foundations and Impact on Adult Relationships

Emotional availability is a term that has become increasingly popular on social media platforms but it is not new to the world of psychology. Emotional availability is a cornerstone of healthy, fulfilling relationships. It involves being open, responsive, and attuned to both one's own and others' emotional needs. This is essential for building trust, intimacy, and strong relational bonds. In childhood, our attachment style is determined largely in part by the emotional availability of our primary caregiver. Understanding where emotional availability comes from, how it manifests in adult relationships, and how it connects to our attachment style can help us cultivate more meaningful and supportive connections.

The Origins of Emotional Availability

What is Emotional Availability?

Emotional availability refers to the ability of a person to understand, support, and create a safe space for another person to be themselves and express vulnerability. It focuses on the quality of the emotional bond between two individuals.

Emotional availability starts forming early in life, mainly through our relationships with our parents or primary caregivers. When caregivers are consistently responsive, nurturing, and emotionally present, children learn that their emotional needs will be met, which helps them feel secure. This security allows children to explore and express their emotions in healthy ways.

Several factors influence how emotional availability develops:

• Parental Attunement: Caregivers who understand and respond to their child's emotional needs help the child learn about emotions and how to manage them.
• Modeling Behavior: Children learn by watching their caregivers. Parents who openly express and manage their emotions set an example for healthy emotional expression.
• Attachment Experiences: Early attachment experiences play a big role. Secure attachments usually lead to better emotional availability in adulthood, while insecure attachments can create challenges. We also know that developing a secure attachment in childhood is highly dependent on the primary caregiver’s level of emotional availability.

Dimensions of Emotional Availability

How does research measure someone’s level of emotional availability? Emotional availability is measured through six key dimensions—four related to the adult's behaviors and two related to the child's responses:

• Sensitivity: This is about how well the adult can perceive, understand, and respond to the child's emotional signals. High sensitivity means the adult responds positively and appropriately to the child's needs, fostering a secure and emotionally healthy relationship.
• Structuring: Structuring involves the adult's ability to guide and support the child's learning and development. This includes providing appropriate challenges, helping the child navigate new experiences, and fostering independence while offering support.
• Non-intrusiveness: This measures the adult's ability to follow the child's lead without interrupting or interfering. Non-intrusive adults allow the child to explore and play independently, stepping in only when necessary and respecting the child's autonomy.
• Non-hostility: This dimension assesses whether the adult can manage negative emotions and avoid expressing them toward the child. A non-hostile environment is crucial for the child's emotional security and development.
• Child Responsiveness: This looks at how the child responds to the adult's emotional signals. A responsive child interacts positively with the adult, showing enthusiasm and a willingness to engage.
• Child Involvement: This measures how much the child involves the adult in their activities. A highly involving child frequently invites the adult to join in their play and interactions, showing a strong emotional connection.

The Importance of Emotional Availability

Emotional availability plays a vital role in various aspects of child development and overall relationship health. It is very difficult for a child to learn how to be emotionally available if their caregivers are not, as children learn directly from their caregivers.

Research shows that high levels of emotional availability are linked to better emotional regulation, secure attachment styles, and positive developmental outcomes in children. For example, children who experience high emotional availability in their relationships are more likely to develop strong social skills, show fewer behavioral problems, and do well in school.

Emotional availability isn't just important for parent-child relationships. It also matters in romantic partnerships, friendships, and even therapy.

What Emotional Availability Looks Like in Adult Relationships

In adult relationships, emotional availability is characterized by several key behaviors:

• Openness and Honesty: Emotionally available individuals are willing to share their thoughts, feelings, and experiences openly with their partners.
• Empathy and Understanding: They show empathy, actively listen, and strive to understand their partner's emotional world.
• Consistency and Reliability: Emotional availability also means being consistently present and reliable, offering support when needed.
• Emotional Regulation: They manage their own emotions effectively, which helps in navigating relationship challenges calmly and constructively.

Examples of emotionally available behaviors in relationships include actively listening during conversations, expressing feelings without fear of judgment, and being present and supportive during difficult times.

Emotional Availability and Attachment Styles

People with an insecure attachment style often struggle with emotional availability. This difficulty stems from their early childhood experiences, where inconsistent or unreliable caregiving led to a lack of trust and security in relationships. Insecure attachment can manifest in various forms, such as anxious, avoidant, or disorganized attachment styles. Individuals with an anxious attachment style may become overly dependent and fear abandonment, making it challenging for them to provide a stable emotional presence for others. Those with an avoidant attachment style tend to distance themselves emotionally, avoiding vulnerability and intimacy as a defense mechanism against potential rejection or hurt. Disorganized attachment, often resulting from trauma or neglect, can lead to erratic and unpredictable behavior in relationships, further complicating their ability to be emotionally available. The underlying fear of being hurt or abandoned, combined with learned patterns of self-protection, creates significant barriers to understanding, supporting, and holding space for others, which are essential components of emotional availability. Therefore, people with insecure attachment styles need to work through their attachment-related challenges to develop healthier, more emotionally available relationships. It’s important to note that it is possible to work towards becoming more emotionally available through therapy and self-work.

Ways to Enhance Emotional Availability in Adulthood

Increasing emotional availability in adulthood involves cultivating self-awareness, empathy, and effective communication skills. One of the first steps is to become more attuned to your own emotions. This can be achieved through mindfulness practices, such as meditation or journaling, which help you recognize and understand your emotional states. By being more aware of your feelings, you can respond to them in a healthier way, making it easier to manage stress and reduce negative reactions in relationships.

Empathy plays a crucial role in enhancing emotional availability. Practicing active listening, where you fully concentrate, understand, respond, and then remember what the other person is saying, can significantly improve empathetic connections. This means putting aside your own concerns and really focusing on the emotions and needs of the other person. Asking open-ended questions and showing genuine interest in their experiences can also help deepen your emotional connection.

Effective communication is another key aspect. This involves not just expressing your own feelings clearly and honestly, but also validating the other person's emotions. Using "I" statements, such as "I feel" or "I need," can help express your feelings without sounding accusatory. Additionally, practicing patience and giving each other the space to speak and be heard can foster a more emotionally available relationship. By implementing these strategies, adults can build stronger, more empathetic, and emotionally fulfilling relationships.

Conclusion

Emotional availability is crucial for nurturing strong, healthy relationships. By understanding its origins, recognizing its manifestations in adult relationships, and exploring its connection to attachment styles, individuals can work towards becoming more emotionally available.

This journey often involves personal growth and, at times, professional support, but the rewards of deeper, more fulfilling relationships are well worth the effort. Whether in parent-child relationships, romantic partnerships, or therapy, enhancing emotional availability can lead to healthier, more emotionally fulfilling connections and relationships.

References

Saunders H, Kraus A, Barone L and Biringen Z (2015) Emotional availability: theory, research, and intervention. Front. Psychol. 6:1069. doi: 10.3389/fpsyg.2015.01069