Understanding Adult Attachment Styles
One of the most pivotal moments in my mental health career was learning about adult attachment styles. This knowledge profoundly altered my self-perception and how I view others. This is why I incorporate an attachment-based approach with my clients; I understand its significant impact and its potential to transform their relationships dramatically. Understanding our attachment style is significant because it affects our relationships, not just romantic ones. Our attachment style influences our interactions with friends, family members, or even our bosses.
The Foundation of Attachment
Our attachment is initially formed between an infant and the primary caregiver. An infant is dependent on the primary caregiver to be fed, held, protected, loved, and so forth.The attachment style that we develop is thought to be influenced by the early experiences we have with our primary caregivers, but our experiences throughout life, such as being exposed to bullying during elementary and high school, can also shape and potentially change our attachment style.
The foundation of our attachment style is formed during childhood with our primary caregivers, but it can be modified by our experiences throughout our lifetime. It's important to note that there are no "bad" or "good" attachment styles. It doesn't matter what your attachment style is, and people with different attachment styles can be compatible in a relationship. What's important is understanding your own attachment style and patterns of behaviour so that you can effectively communicate with your partner when specific triggers may lead to feelings of anxiety or a desire to distance oneself. The goal is to understand and manage these patterns rather than trying to change one's attachment style.
The Founder of Attachment Theory
Attachment theory, a cornerstone of psychological understanding, was developed by British psychologist John Bowlby in the mid-20th century. Initially inspired by his work with children separated from their parents during World War II, Bowlby proposed that the bonds formed between children and their primary caregivers have profound impacts that extend into adulthood. His early findings suggested that these attachment behaviours, developed in early childhood, serve a critical evolutionary function by keeping the child close to their mother, enhancing the child's chances of survival. This groundbreaking theory was further elaborated upon through the famous Strange Situation experiments conducted by psychologist Mary Ainsworth in the 1970s. These experiments classified attachment into three distinct styles: secure, anxious, and avoidant, each characterized by specific behaviors observed in children when separated from or reunited with their caregivers.
Evolution Theory and Attachment
In adults, there are four main attachment styles: secure, anxious-ambivalent (anxious), avoidant-dismissive (avoidant), and fearful/avoidant (disorganized). These attachment styles are characterized by specific beliefs, thoughts, feelings, and behaviours in adulthood. Research states that approximately 50% of the population have a secure attachment. However, the research on the percentages of adult attachment styles dates back to the late 1990’s. There is a lack of research on attachment styles within the general population at this time.
According to evolutionary psychology, attachment styles developed as adaptive mechanisms to ensure survival and reproduction. For example, individuals with a secure attachment style likely developed this trait through consistent caregiving during infancy, promoting a sense of safety and trust in relationships. In contrast, insecure attachment styles such as anxious or avoidant may have stemmed from inconsistent caregiving, leading to heightened sensitivity to perceived threats or difficulty trusting others. Trust is an important component of attachment theory.
Attachment Styles and Childhood Needs
The three main attachment styles—anxious, avoidant, and disorganized—are coping mechanisms that individuals develop to protect themselves from the perceived fear of rejection and abandonment. These styles form in childhood based on the individual's interactions with their primary caregivers and primarily stem from the fear of rejection or abandonment. To develop a secure attachment, children need their physical and emotional needs consistently met by their caregivers. Fulfilling these needs reliably throughout childhood is crucial for establishing a strong bond between the child and the caregiver.
Emotional Needs
Often, we are familiar with a child’s physical needs but less aware of emotional needs. Some of the emotional needs that parents must provide for a child to develop a secure attachment includes; trust, consistency, sensitivity, support, comfort, affection and reliability.
Meeting a child's emotional needs is crucial for their healthy emotional development and well-being. Here’s a list of key emotional needs that parents should strive to fulfill:
Love and Affection: Consistent displays of love, affection, and warmth, reassuring the child of their value and importance.
Security and Safety: Providing a secure environment where the child feels safe from threats and uncertainties.
Validation: Acknowledging and validating the child’s feelings and experiences to help them understand and express their emotions healthily.
Attention and Interaction: Offering undivided attention through active listening and engaging interaction to make the child feel valued and heard.
Encouragement and Praise: Motivating the child through positive reinforcement, which boosts their self-esteem and confidence.
Guidance and Boundaries: Setting clear, consistent boundaries that teach discipline and help the child understand acceptable behaviors and limits.
Support and Understanding: Being available to support and assist the child through challenges, showing empathy and understanding.
Respect and Privacy: Respecting the child’s individuality and providing privacy as appropriate, which fosters a sense of self and independence.
Stability and Consistency: Maintaining a consistent routine and environment that helps the child feel stable and secure in what to expect from day to day.
Opportunities for Emotional Expression: Creating opportunities for the child to express their emotions through activities like art, music, and play, which can facilitate emotional learning and processing.
Meeting these emotional needs helps children develop a healthy sense of self and strong interpersonal skills, which are crucial for navigating the complexities of relationships and emotional challenges throughout life.
Physical Needs
Here's a list of essential physical needs that parents should meet to ensure the healthy development of a child during childhood:
Nutrition: Providing a balanced diet rich in essential nutrients, vitamins, and minerals to support growth and development.
Shelter: Ensuring a safe and stable living environment that protects the child from the elements and provides a secure place to live.
Clothing: Offering appropriate clothing to suit the weather conditions and keep the child comfortable and protected.
Healthcare: Regular medical check-ups, vaccinations, and prompt treatment of illnesses and injuries.
Hygiene: Teaching and maintaining good hygiene practices to prevent illness and promote health, including regular bathing, dental care, and handwashing.
Physical Activity: Encouraging regular physical activity to promote muscular and skeletal development, cardiovascular health, and overall well-being.
Rest and Sleep: Ensuring the child receives adequate rest and a sufficient amount of sleep, which is crucial for physical and mental development.
Safety: Protecting the child from physical hazards and harmful situations, and teaching them safety awareness and practices.
Comfort: Providing physical comfort and warmth, especially through physical affection such as hugging, which is important for emotional and physical development.
Stimulation: Offering a stimulating environment with appropriate toys and activities that promote physical engagement and motor skills development.
Based on my professional and personal experience, I believe it is rare for anyone to have a completely secure attachment. For context, an adult with a secure attachment likely had parents who consistently met their physical and emotional needs, regulated their own emotions effectively, and taught their child emotional regulation. However, it is more common for individuals to exhibit a mixture of the four attachment styles, with one style typically being more dominant than the others.
Secure Attachment
Children with a secure attachment style are typically able to be comforted by their caregivers when distressed and use their caregiver as a "secure base" from which to explore their environment when they are not distressed. This attachment style is characterized by trust, comfort, and closeness.
In adult relationships, a secure attachment is evidenced by partners feeling safe, seen, and supported by one another. Securely attached individuals are comfortable expressing their needs and emotions while respecting their partner's boundaries. They can communicate openly and honestly, fostering a deep sense of trust and intimacy. In times of conflict, those with secure attachment styles are able to navigate disagreements calmly and constructively, valuing compromise and understanding. This sense of security enables partners to maintain their individual identities while feeling connected and valued within the relationship. Ultimately, a secure attachment in adults cultivates a strong foundation of emotional support, respect, and mutual growth.
Anxious-Ambivalent Attachment
Children with an anxious-ambivalent attachment style may become very distressed and angry when separated from their caregiver, resist contact when the caregiver returns, and not quickly calm when comfort is offered. These children may be less confident exploring their environment and may be wary of strangers.
Anxious-ambivalent attachment is characterized by anxiety and insecurity. Adults with this attachment style may worry about abandonment or rejection and have difficulty trusting others. In adults, anxious attachment in a relationship often manifests as a deep-seated fear of abandonment or rejection. Individuals with anxious attachment may constantly seek reassurance from their partner, fear being alone, or exhibit clingy behaviour. They might also tend to overanalyze situations, jump to conclusions, or have difficulty trusting their partner's feelings and intentions. This can lead to emotional highs and lows, with an intense need for closeness and intimacy at times, while at other times feeling overwhelmed by the fear of being hurt. Communication patterns may also be affected, with anxious individuals sometimes struggling to express their needs clearly or assert boundaries for fear of driving their partner away.
Avoidant Attachment
Children with an avoidant attachment style may not strongly signal a need for comfort and may be quite distant and avoid contact with their caregiver when reunited after a brief separation. A desire for independence and distance characterizes avoidant attachment.
In adults, avoidant attachment in relationships manifests as a strong desire for independence and self-reliance, often at the expense of emotional intimacy and vulnerability. Individuals with avoidant attachment may struggle to fully trust their partners, fearing a loss of independence or emotional harm. They may downplay the importance of close relationships, prioritize personal space and autonomy, and have difficulty expressing their needs or emotions. Consequently, they may appear emotionally distant, struggle with deepening emotional connections, or have difficulties with commitment. These patterns can lead to challenges in forming and maintaining healthy, secure relationships, as the fear of intimacy and dependence can undermine the development of trust and emotional closeness.
Fearful-Avoidant Attachment (Disorganized Attachment)
Children with a disorganized attachment style may have a caregiver who has not provided a safe, secure base for the child to return to confidently. Instead, the primary caregiver may have created a relationship with the child in which the child loves and cares for them but also fears them. This leaves the child consistently unsure of how the caregiver will respond to their needs. As a result, the child's instincts may be conflicted. They are hardwired to seek support and security from their caregiver, but they are also scared of them. Disorganized attachment is characterized by a mix of thoughts, feelings, and behaviours that can be contradictory or confusing.
In adults, disorganized attachment can manifest in relationships through contradictory behaviors and intense emotional fluctuations. Individuals with disorganized attachment may struggle with forming secure and trusting connections due to past experiences of trauma or inconsistent caregiving. In a relationship, they may exhibit fear of intimacy, difficulty with emotional regulation, and a tendency to push their partner away while simultaneously craving closeness. This conflicting behavior often creates a sense of chaos and unpredictability within the relationship, leading to misunderstandings and challenges in maintaining healthy connections. Therapy can help individuals with disorganized attachment understand their patterns, develop coping strategies, and work towards building more secure and fulfilling relationships.
Discovering Your Attachment Style
Understanding our attachment style can help us understand our relationships with others and allow us to work on any areas that may be causing difficulties. To understand your attachment style, you can take a questionnaire such as Diane Poole's free attachment style questionnaire.
Diane Poole's Attachment Style Questionnaire
Understanding the fundamentals of each adult attachment style can significantly impact how we navigate relationships and our emotional well-being. By recognizing whether we fall into the categories of secure, anxious-preoccupied, dismissive-avoidant, or fearful-avoidant, we gain valuable insights into our behaviours, reactions, and needs within relationships. This awareness can foster personal growth, improve communication with others, and help us develop healthier connections. Remember, attachment styles are not fixed but can evolve with introspection, self-compassion, and, if needed, professional support. By continuing to explore and understand our attachment styles, we take meaningful steps towards creating more fulfilling and authentic relationships in our lives.
