Deactivating Strategies of the Avoidant Attachment: A Complete List
KEY POINTS
Deactivating strategies are coping behaviours used by individuals with avoidant attachment styles to distance themselves from emotional intimacy and dependence on others.
There are 6 Types of Deactivating Strategies; Fear-Based, Sadness-Based, Anger/Resentment-Based, Self-Avoidant, Anxiety-Based, and Shame-Based.
Not everyone who exhibits avoidant attachment will employ the same deactivating strategies, nor will these strategies manifest with the same intensity.
Imagine the following scene: a beautiful bride stands at the altar, her white dress flowing elegantly around her as the organ music swells. Her groom gazes at her with adoration, but as she looks into his eyes, a wave of panic rises within her. The weight of commitment and the fear of vulnerability suddenly feel unbearable. Her heart races, her palms sweat, and her breath quickens. Without thinking, she turns on her heels and runs down the aisle, her veil trailing behind her. She bursts through the church doors, leaving her stunned groom and bewildered guests in her wake. This dramatic flight is a prime example of a deactivating strategy, where the fear of emotional intimacy triggers an instinctive need to escape, highlighting the deep-rooted anxieties often associated with avoidant attachment styles.
Understanding Attachment Styles
Understanding attachment styles is crucial in understanding our selves, our partners, and the dynamics within our relationships. One particular style that often intrigues both professionals and those experiencing it is the avoidant attachment style. Characterized by a strong sense of independence and often a fear of intimacy, those with avoidant attachment may employ specific strategies to distance themselves from others. These deactivating strategies can lead to misunderstandings, strained relationships, and personal challenges.
In this guide, we will explore the details of the avoidant attachment deactivating strategies, shedding some clarity on why they happen and how they manifest. Whether you’re a mental health professional, someone who identifies with this attachment style, or simply interested in the dynamics of human connection, this straightforward guide offers insights to help unravel the complexities of avoidant attachment.
It's important to recognize that attachment exists on a spectrum, and individual experiences and behaviours can vary widely. Not everyone who exhibits avoidant attachment will employ the same deactivating strategies, nor will these strategies manifest with the same intensity. People are unique, and their attachment styles can be influenced by a myriad of factors. Therefore, the information presented here may not apply universally and should be considered as a general guideline rather than a strict rule for every individual.
Development of Avoidant Attachment in Childhood
Avoidant attachment often develops when a child’s emotional needs are consistently unmet by their primary caregivers. In early childhood, children rely heavily on their caregivers for emotional and physical support. When these caregivers are emotionally distant, overly critical, or unresponsive to the child’s needs, the child learns to suppress their feelings and minimize their reliance on others. This adaptation is a survival strategy: by not expressing their needs or emotions, the child avoids the pain of rejection and disappointment.
A common scenario contributing to avoidant attachment is when parents or caregivers are preoccupied with their own issues, such as stress from work, personal emotional difficulties, or other life challenges. These caregivers might provide for the child’s physical needs but fail to engage emotionally, often dismissing the child’s attempts for closeness or downplaying their emotions. As a result, the child learns that expressing emotions is pointless or even counterproductive, leading them to become self-reliant and emotionally distant. From the child's perspective, there is no point in telling their parent what happened at school if they will not feel heard. To avoid the pain of being dismissed, the child suppresses their emotions, believing this will protect them from further hurt. Over time, this coping mechanism solidifies into an avoidant attachment style.
Core Negative Beliefs of Avoidant Attachment
The three insecure attachments (Avoidant, Anxious, and Disorganized) each have their own set of unique negative core beliefs. These core negative beliefs shape our interactions and perceptions and are formed at a young age.
For the Avoidant attachment, one prevalent belief is, "I am unworthy of love." This belief stems from their early experiences of emotional neglect, leading them to assume that they must be inherently flawed or unlovable. Consequently, they may push others away to avoid the anticipated rejection they feel is inevitable.
Another common core belief is, "Others are unreliable and will inevitably let me down." This belief arises from their early caregivers' inconsistency and emotional unavailability. As adults, they may find it challenging to trust others, expecting that people will fail to meet their needs or abandon them. This expectation can lead them to avoid relying on others and to distance themselves emotionally to protect against perceived betrayal.
These core negative beliefs can be deeply ingrained and pervasive, influencing how individuals with avoidant attachment view themselves and their relationships. Addressing these beliefs through therapeutic interventions can be crucial for fostering healthier attachment patterns and improving their overall emotional well-being.
Deactivating Behaviours are Unconscious
The behaviours or deactivating strategies of individuals with an avoidant attachment style are typically not done consciously. These strategies—such as emotional withdrawal, avoiding intimacy, and prioritizing independence—are ingrained coping mechanisms developed during childhood to protect themselves from emotional pain and rejection. Unless a person is aware of their attachment style and the specific behaviors associated with it, they do not engage in these actions knowingly. Instead, these behaviours are automatic responses to perceived threats to their emotional safety. By becoming aware of their attachment style and deactivating behaviours through self-reflection or therapeutic interventions, individuals can begin to understand and alter these patterns, fostering healthier relationships and emotional connections.
What is a Deactivating Strategy?
A deactivating strategy is like a mental "off switch" for emotional closeness. Imagine if you felt uncomfortable when people got too close to you emotionally, so you unconsciously found ways to put distance between yourself and others. These strategies can be things like focusing on a person's flaws, avoiding intimate conversations, or even physically distancing yourself from someone when the relationship starts to feel too close. It's like building an invisible wall to keep emotional connections at a comfortable distance. It's a common pattern in avoidant attachment, where deep connections may feel threatening or uncomfortable.
Categories of Deactivating Strategies
Deactivation strategies are behaviours used by individuals with avoidant attachment styles to distance themselves from emotional intimacy and dependence on others. These deactivation strategies are sometimes organized by different emotional states. This categorization is more of a user-friendly tool rather than a clinically-founded system to better help communicate and understand the functioning of these deactivating strategies.
There are 6 types of deactivation strategies;
Fear-Based
Sadness-Based
Anger/Resentment-Based
Self-Avoidant
Anxiety-Based
Shame-Based.
Fear-Based Strategies
Fear-based deactivating strategies are behaviours or thought patterns that people with avoidant attachment styles use to protect themselves from perceived threats to their independence or autonomy. The core of these strategies is fear of vulnerability, fear of dependency, fear of being hurt, and fear of losing one’s sense of self.
Fear of Dependency
The individual with the avoidant attachment might continuously emphasize their need for independence and self-sufficiency, even in situations where relying on a partner would be appropriate and beneficial.
Avoiding Vulnerability
Out of fear of being seen as weak or being hurt, they may avoid sharing their true feelings, concerns, or worries with their partners.
Evading Commitment
Fear of being trapped or losing their autonomy might lead them to avoid discussions about the future, dodge commitment, or resist labels in relationships.
Minimizing Needs
They might downplay or deny their emotional needs, trying to convince both themselves and their partners that they don’t need comfort, reassurance, or support.
Pulling Away When Things Get “Too Close”
If they feel that a partner is getting too close or the relationship is becoming too intimate, they may create distance by becoming distant, picking fights, or focusing on the partner’s flaws.
Sabotaging the Relationship
When feeling trapped or overwhelmed, they might intentionally create problems or focus on negative aspects to justify their fears and create a reason to pull away.
Sadness-Based Deactivation Strategies
These sadness-based deactivating strategies may be less overtly detectable but are equally impactful in preventing closeness.
Self-deprecation
Believing deep down that they’re unworthy of love or care, they may downplay their achievements, needs, or feelings, thinking that they don’t deserve attention or recognition.
Suppressing Memories of Positive Intimacy
They might avoid or forget instances when they felt close or connected to someone to safeguard themselves from the pain of potential loss.
Focusing on Impermanence
By constantly reminding themselves that all good things come to an end, they might protect themselves from the pain of possible future losses.
Avoiding Relationship Milestones
Important moments like anniversaries or meaningful shared experiences might be downplayed or avoided, stemming from a sadness-based belief that they don’t deserve lasting happiness.
Withdrawal During Stress
Instead of seeking comfort during tough times, they might isolate themselves, believing that their sadness or pain is a burden to others.
Disbelief in Genuine Care
Even when a partner shows genuine care and affection, they might dismiss it, thinking it’s not sincere or that there’s an ulterior motive. This disbelief is often rooted in deep-seated feelings of unworthiness.
Anger/Resentment/Spite Deactivation Strategies
Avoidant individuals sometimes employ deactivating strategies rooted in underlying feelings of anger or resentment. These feelings often stem from past betrayals, disappointments, or perceived injustices in their early attachment experiences.
Nitpicking or Criticism
They might focus on their partner’s flaws or mistakes, using these as reasons to maintain emotional distance or to justify their avoidance of intimacy.
Holding Grudges
Even after conflicts are resolved, they may hold onto past transgressions, using them as barriers against getting too close or as reasons not to trust their partner fully.
Passive-Aggressive Behaviour
Instead of communicating their feelings directly, they might express their anger or resentment indirectly through subtle digs, sarcasm, or by withholding affection.
Avoiding Conflict Resolution
They might pull away or shut down during arguments, using their anger as a shield against deeper emotional engagement or vulnerability.
Emphasizing Independence
Out of resentment for past experiences where they felt controlled or smothered, they may overly emphasize their need for autonomy, pushing their partners away in the process.
Projecting Past Hurts
If they’ve been hurt in the past, they might preemptively anticipate betrayal or disappointment from their current partner, even if there’s no basis for such beliefs in the present relationship.
Disengaging from Emotional Discussions
They may respond with anger or annoyance when their partner seeks emotional connection or discussions, using this as a way to end the conversation and maintain distance.
Self-Avoidant Deactivating Strategies
Self-avoidant deactivating strategies refer to the ways in which avoidantly attached individuals distance themselves not just from their partners, but also from their own emotions, needs, and vulnerabilities.
Essentially, these strategies are ways they disconnect from parts of themselves. Here are some self-avoidant deactivating strategies:
Emotional Suppression
They might routinely suppress or dismiss their emotions, especially those that indicate vulnerability, like sadness or fear. These self-avoidant strategies serve as protective mechanisms to shield the individual from the discomfort or pain of confronting their own vulnerabilities. However, over time, they can lead to a sense of isolation, not just from others, but also from one’s own self.
Denial of Needs
They may convince themselves and others that they don’t have emotional or relational needs, emphasizing self-sufficiency to an extreme degree. They may not be aware that they have emotional needs and how these should be met in a relationship.
Intellectualizing Feelings
Instead of genuinely feeling and expressing emotions, they might analyze them, turning them into abstract concepts, thus avoiding the raw experience of the emotion.
Distracting Self with Activities
By immersing themselves in work, hobbies, or other activities, they can avoid introspection and the confrontation of their own emotional needs or feelings.
Avoiding Introspection
They might resist or avoid deep self-reflection, meditation, or any activity that involves facing one’s inner emotional world.
Self-reliance to a Fault
Even when it would be beneficial to seek help or lean on others, they might insist on handling everything on their own, believing that relying on others is a sign of weakness or a potential threat to their independence. It can also be the result of not trusting others/finding others unreliable to depend on.
Dismissal of Past Traumas
They may downplay or dismiss the impact of past traumas or negative experiences, even if these events still affect their behaviour and feelings.
Anxiety-Based Deactivating Strategies
While avoidant and anxious attachment styles are often discussed separately, it’s essential to recognize that individuals can have mixed features or shift between styles based on the context and relationship dynamics. While these strategies are influenced by anxiety, it’s the response (pulling away and deactivating) that aligns them with avoidant attachment behaviour.
Hyper-Vigilance
Even though they may not outwardly express it, they might constantly be on the lookout for signs of rejection, betrayal, or disappointment, often expecting the worst.
Overemphasis on Boundaries
Out of an anxious desire to protect themselves, they might establish excessively rigid boundaries, making it challenging for their partner to get close.
Catastrophizing
They may imagine worst-case scenarios in their relationships, leading them to pull away before those imagined scenarios can come true.
Testing the Relationship
Even if they don’t acknowledge it openly, they might create situations to “test” their partner’s loyalty or commitment, driven by underlying anxieties about the relationship’s stability.
Second-Guessing Intimacy
After moments of closeness, they might become anxious about having revealed too much or having become too vulnerable, leading them to retract and distance themselves.
Seeking Reassurance through Distance
By pulling away, they might unconsciously hope that their partner will chase after them or display signs of wanting them, thereby momentarily alleviating their relational anxieties.
Shame-Based Deactivation Strategies
Another underlying emotion that can drive deactivation strategies in avoidantly attached individuals is shame. Here’s how shame-based deactivation might manifest:
Hiding Imperfections
They may go to great lengths to hide perceived flaws or mistakes from their partner, fearing judgment or rejection if they are seen as imperfect.
Avoiding Discussions of Past
If they harbor shame about their past, they might evade or deflect conversations about their history to avoid feelings of inadequacy or judgment.
Defensiveness
When confronted or criticized, even constructively, they might become overly defensive or dismissive, trying to shield themselves from the shame of perceived failure or inadequacy.
Isolating During Mistakes
If they believe they’ve made a mistake in the relationship, they might withdraw or isolate themselves, driven by feelings of shame.
Rejecting Compliments
Out of a deep-seated sense of unworthiness, they might dismiss or downplay compliments and positive affirmations from their partner.
Avoiding Vulnerability
Shame can make individuals fear that they are fundamentally unlovable or flawed. This fear might lead them to avoid situations where they might be vulnerable and exposed to judgment or rejection.
Projecting Onto Partner
They might project their feelings of shame onto their partner, pointing out their partner’s flaws or inadequacies to deflect attention from their own.
Conclusion
Deactivating strategies are defense mechanisms employed by individuals with avoidant attachment to maintain emotional distance and protect themselves from perceived threats to their autonomy and self-sufficiency. These strategies manifest in various ways, such as withdrawing from intimate situations, downplaying the importance of relationships, and focusing excessively on work or hobbies to avoid emotional vulnerability. Avoidantly attached individuals may also exhibit behaviours like dismissing their partner's needs, keeping secrets to avoid their partner’s potential emotional reaction, or abruptly ending relationships when they feel too close or dependent.
Understanding these patterns is crucial for both individuals with avoidant attachment and those with anxious attachment. Recognizing these deactivating behaviors can help those with avoidant attachment gradually overcome their fear of intimacy. Similarly, understanding deactivating strategies is important for individuals with anxious attachment, as it helps them not to personalize their partner’s behaviours. These behaviours are a result of the avoidant partner’s own struggles with vulnerability and intimacy, rather than a reflection of the anxious partner's worth or adequacy in the relationship.
By addressing these behaviours and working towards more secure attachment patterns, avoidantly attached individuals can learn to build more fulfilling and connected relationships.
